As well as trying to get all my presents bought and getting spiritually prepared for Jesus' coming, I have spent some time reflecting recently on the events of a year ago. You see, a year ago I was a lot less certain about the path I was to take than it is now. A year ago, Jim was heading on his discernment retreat.
In October of last year, we had decided not to keep communicating because it was getting to be too difficult for me to not get my heart involved. In all honestly, my heart was really involved long before last October, but I was trying desperately not to get my heart even more involved than it needed to be. So, in mid-October of last year Jim and I decided to stop talking indefinitely until he could take the time he needed to discern where God was leading him.
In mid-December after missing him horribly, I thought it wouldn't hurt to send him an email to check in on him to see if and what his progress was. I learned he had signed up for the Diocesan Discernment Retreat for men discerning a call to the priesthood. I have to be honest that when I heard this I had mixed emotions. On one hand, I was overjoyed that he had finally taken a BIG concrete step to discern his future. On the other hand, I knew that this retreat could mean that he could hear God telling him that he was meant to be a priest. While I would have accepted that and would have been happy for him, my heart would have had a lot of healing to do.
That little email to check up on Jim led to us talking again up until his discernment retreat. In hindsight, this was probably not the wisest move, but we were able to jump right back into our old routine as if no time had passed at all. I was hopeful that this retreat would make it clear to him one way or the other the direction he needed to take. And, if by chance that direction was discerning marriage with me, I knew that I was ready to do that. So almost every night we talked and skyped for the better part of two weeks. We caught each other up on our lives and we laughed, talked and prayed like we always did.
The day he left for retreat I wished him well. I spent a lot of time praying that God would reveal his will to Jim on that weekend. As hard as it was, I knew I could not be selfish enough to pray he would choose me. I knew Jim was faith-filled, kind, loving and sensitive and all of those qualities would serve him well in the priesthood as well as marriage. The day he was to come home, my sister and I went shopping. I think I asked her to shop on that day partially to keep my mind off the fact that I was expecting Jim to come back with an answer of what had been revealed to him on that weekend. I didn't really want to think about how it was very possible that Jim could come back and say "I really feel called to the priesthood".
I got back later than I expected and when I came home he was waiting online for me. He was so excited about the retreat. In all of Jim's 40 years he had never been on a real retreat before so that was to be expected. I remember the first time I went on a retreat it was a VERY powerful experience. The whole time he was telling me about the retreat all I really wanted to say was "So what's the bottom line?" After I let him share with me I did end up coming out saying something like that and his answer was not one I was expecting.
He said "I still dont' know." In all of my preparations and all of my praying, I did not expect that he still would not have an answer. It just in an instant became really hard for me. I clearly couldn't continue talking to him if he still didn't know. It was clear to me that he needed more time away to think. But, this time I made it clear it was with the expectation that I was done. I couldn't take it anymore. So after a lot of discussion, we said what we thought was good-bye forever.
Now clearly, that did not happen. We ended up not talking for 2.5 months though. It was March when we connected again. Ultimately that connection led to Jim's realization that God was calling him to discern marriage with me. However, if you would have told me last year on December 19th that this year at Christmas time we would be well into planning our wedding, I would have laughed at you. Clearly God is bigger than our expectations, our wants, our thoughts and our desires. I am so glad that God has been with Jim and I along this journey. I am not upset about the events that led us here. In fact, I feel that all that we have been through has only led us closer to each other and more connected to God. God is good!
No comments:
Post a Comment