Yes, you guessed it...we decided to meet each other again. And that's not all—we decided to “officially” start dating for the first time!
It may seem like an odd decision to decide to date when I still wasn't even sure if marriage was what I was meant to do. But we thought it would be a good way for us to see how it felt to be a couple. And maybe this would be a valuable discernment tool for both of us. So we decided to jump in with both feet and go for it!
And with that, we spent the 4th of July as a dating couple, watching fireworks in a spot RIGHT next to the action! We held hands as they exploded around us...and fireworks have been special to us ever since.
I was nervous as Lisa met my family—way more nervous than when I met hers! I just wanted her to feel comfortable and not overwhelmed with all these people she had never met. But everything worked out great when she met them, and I got to meet all of her friends. All in all, it was another amazing long weekend together.
We continued to be “official” as my birthday came up at the end of July. Seeing as it was my 40th birthday, my family was nice enough to throw a big party. Lisa really wanted to be there to celebrate my big day. So, we arranged to meet for the third time. And yes...it was another amazing weekend! I will always remember that birthday as one of my best ever—all because of having Lisa in my life.
That weekend will also be special for us because we planned an amazing “date night” where we went to a cozy Italian restaurant and saw an INCREDIBLE movie! (OK, it was only incredible for me—you will have to ask Lisa what the movie was and what she thought about it. All I will say—yet again—is that the Academy agreed with me and not Lisa about this film! ;) )
But the best part of the “date night” was sitting in front of a scenic river and sharing something special—our first kiss! Yes, it took me this long to get up the courage to go in for that kiss. And yes, it was all me—Lisa was ready for it long before this moment. ;)
By this point, we had been “official” for 6 weeks. And now we were at a crossroads. Our bond was deeper than ever before, and now we had all these romantic moments together that showed us how great it felt to be in a relationship with each other. And yet...I still felt like I had questions. Were the feelings I felt the real thing, or was I just getting swept up in the thrill of these moments?
So, with much regret, we knew it was time to take a break. We stopped dating and went back to being “just friends” (albeit friends that have kissed ;) ). I had a lot of anxiety about taking concrete steps to figuring out if I was meant to be a priest. But at this point, I had to move forward. We were in too deep for me to not start taking this very seriously.
So, with a lot of prayer and encouragement from Lisa (and, yes, some frustration and fighting along the way as well), I finally made appointments to talk to people to really get the discernment process started. I talked with a deacon, my pastor, and finally the Vocations Director for my Archdiocese. In my arrogance, I had kind of expected them to tell me, “Sure, you are a GREAT candidate for the seminary! Just say the word and you're in!”.
But they had a totally different response: Prayer, prayer, and more prayer!
So I started to pray in earnest. I prayed harder than I ever have before. I started going to daily Mass. And through it all, Lisa supported me and was there for me. Yes...it was very hard and at times frustrating for her. But she was there for me, and I will always be so grateful to her for that (and love her for that too)!
And throughout the fall, we went through cycles of talking and then taking breaks. We tried to keep things on a “just friends” level, but deep down our feelings were still very strong. We “broke down” at times and told each other how much we still cared for each other. We talked about how it would feel to be together for good, and one day get married. There were a couple more arguments and more tears. And through it all, I STILL hesitated. I was waiting for that “lightning bolt” moment to tell me what to do...
This led us to December. Every December, the Archbishop holds a retreat for men discerning the priesthood. I used to see the poster for it every year, but I always thought, “I'll do that someday...but not right now.” Well, I took a look at the poster now that it was December again, and I noticed that the retreat was open for men 18 to....40! This was the last possible year I could attend!
So, I made the decision to sign up for the retreat. As it happened, Lisa decided to get in contact with me again at this point to see where I was in my discernment. I told her about the retreat. She was both excited and nervous. She was glad I was taking more steps to come to a decision. But what if I came back and announced I was entering the seminary? We both were a little anxious about what was going to happen. Since this was such an important step, we decided to keep talking in the days leading up to the retreat.
The retreat was an amazing experience. It was my first “real” retreat (staying for the whole weekend, not just for half a day at church, etc.). It definitely ranked up there as one of the most powerful spiritual experiences of my life. To this day, I'm very glad I went.
The priest at the retreat had told us, “Don't expect to come away from this weekend with an answer. This is just one more step in a discernment process.” So I came home from the retreat with that advice in mind. I had had a very moving spiritual experience, and it gave me a lot to think about. But I was not ready to decide one way or the other just yet.
I talked to Lisa the night I got home. I was very excited about how great the retreat was, and how I finally had gone after all these years of seeing the poster. Lisa was wondering what I was going to tell her—she had been thinking all weekend about the possible things I might tell her, and how she would react.
In my excitement, I told her all the things we did at the retreat. Lisa waited patiently through the whole story, anxiously wanting to know what I felt now that it was over. So as I wrapped up, I told her...I still wasn't sure.
This was very hard for Lisa to hear. After all her wondering and waiting, I told her I was still in the same exact spot...still not sure. It was just a little too hard for her to hear. Emotions began to run high again.
As a result, we reached another crossroads. Lisa knew in her heart that if she stayed in the picture, I may never come to a final decision. I wanted to continue discerning based on my retreat experience. This led to the biggest struggle of our relationship thus far. After a long talk, Lisa decided that she had to step away. It was a very painful conversation for both of us.
And as we ended the conversation, both of us honestly felt there was a good chance we would never speak again......
Stay tuned for the exciting conclusion to our story soon (Jim assures me it will only be 4 parts...I have to see this to believe it!)
No comments:
Post a Comment